Lily's Pensive
by michelle439731
Summary: Harry has been given his mothers Pensive and he is about to find out something very interesting about his potions master.
1. Default Chapter

Lily's Pensive  
  
~  
  
Summery: Harry has been given his mothers Pensive and he is about to find out something very interesting about his potions master  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
~  
  
There was a steely green glint in his mother's eyes that Harry had never seen before. She marched forward through the halls of Hogwarts descending through the corridors where whispering portraits watched her. Her cloak fanned out behind her as she quickened her pace and she pushed aside a tapestry that was hanging on a wall and disappeared behind it.  
  
Harry had to jog to keep up with the strides of his mother's long legs. But where was she going? Harry hadn't the faintest idea. All Florence had told him when she had given him his mothers pensive was it would make him understand. Understand what Harry wasn't sure but he kept up with his mother none the less.  
  
She travelled further and further down the school and it got colder and colder. Harry could see thick drifts of snow settled outside the windows they passed and due to the silence that surrounded the corridors he assumed that it must be the winter holidays. His mother did not seem to be distracted by the cold however and continued on her path.  
  
It was then Harry realised where she was going. He had been here in his second year but in disguise. He willed his mother to walk past the bare stretch of stone wall guarded by a lone suit of armour. But she stopped, ran her hand over the wall and whispered something into the stone. Don't go in, don't go in Harry desperately thought but his mother entered. What on earth did his mother think she was doing by going in there? She was muggle born; they would probably eat her alive.  
  
What was she doing going into the Slytherin common room?  
  
Harry entered behind his mother full of apprehension. But all that met them was an empty common room. Lily took her cloak off and began muttering something to herself. Harry strained his ears to hear but again she had taken off and seemed to be searching for something.  
  
"Sixth year boys, sixth year boys," she muttered under her breath. Harry was utterly confused. Why would his mother be looking for the sixth year boys' dorm in the Slytherin common room? But suddenly there was another noise apart from his mothers muttering. It sounded like sobbing. Lily had heard it too and she jerked her head in the direction.  
  
Slowly she crept towards the door where it looked like the sound was coming. The sign sixth year boys hung squint on the door. She placed her ear gently to the door and listened to the sobbing for almost a minute. Lily took a deep breath and pushed the door open.  
  
Almost bursting with curiosity Harry ran into the room and was met with a sight that almost made him throw up.  
  
There shirtless, lying on the bed, curled in a ball with his back to the door was Severus Snape. Harry could tell it was his potions master as on his back cut into his flesh was scrawled the single word "Snivielus". Snape was crying, curled in a ball sobbing so hard that it shook his whole body.  
  
Harry's insides suddenly felt empty. He had a difficult time keeping upright. Had his father done this? Had is godfather Sirius. Had Remus and Peter stood by and watched this happen. He looked back to his mother who was pale but had a steely glint of determination in her eyes. She took a deep breath.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
The boy in the bed leapt up and spun around. He garbed the cover from bed with one hand and desperately tried to wipe his eyes with his other hand. Unfortunately he did not do very well to conceal the marks on his body or the tears in his eyes.  
  
"Come to have a good laugh have you!" Snape yelled getting a better grip on the cover and furiously rubbing his eyes. "Well go on then! You caught me! Where's the rest of the Griffindors? Hiding in the empty common room. I know what you were thinking" - Snape choked back more tears - "lets go get that slimy Slytherin now that he's the only one from his house left here over Christmas. Lets go have a good laugh at him." Here Snapes voice failed and his hand covered his face as he desperately tried to compose himself.  
  
"Oh, Severus," Lily sighed and immediately crossed the room and embraced Snape in her arms.  
  
Snape looked like he couldn't move. His eyes popped out of his head but almost immediately he pushed Lily to the ground and garbed his wand from the bed and pointed it directly at his mother's chest. But unfortunately this now meant that his left hand was on his wand, his right was holding the cover over his bare chest and there was no hand to check the flow of salty tears down his face.  
  
"You will go now," Snape said trying to keep his voice steady and blinking furiously.  
  
"I'm on my own. I came to help..." Lily started in a soothing voice getting up off the floor.  
  
"You will go NOW," Snape was having great difficulty keeping his voice steady and his wand hand had begun to shake.  
  
"Severus I..."  
  
But Snape would not let her get any further.  
  
"YOU WILL LEAVE NOW!" He almost screamed.  
  
"Petrificus Totalus" Lily yelled and immediately Snapes arms snapped to his side and he toppled over backwards.  
  
Harry watched as his mother ran to the stiff body of Severus Snape his jaw clamped shut but his eyes wide with what Harry could only describe as fear. Snape was scared. Harry had never seen Snape look so vulnerable. Lily knelt down beside the boy and gently tried to remove the cover and Harry saw Snape screw up his eyes as if he expected Lily to hurt him.  
  
"Severus, I'm here to help you. I'm not going to hurt you. I want to help. I'm here on my own and no one knows that I'm here." Lily leaned over the boy and stroked his hair back form his face. Snape cracked an eye open. "I want to help you, will you let me?"  
  
Harry saw Snape look at his mother with the most curious expression. Snape was working out if he could trust his mother. It looked as if no one had ever asked if they could help him before. Slowly his eyes lost their fear and looked straight into his mothers green eyes and slowly without saying anything he accepted Lily's help.  
  
"Thank you," Lily whispered and slowly and carefully removed the cover that was wrapped tight around Snapes body. "Oh, Severus," she whispered as his bare chest was revealed. He was covered in cut and bruises and hex marks. Snape looked anywhere but Lily's green eyes. Lily gently turned Snape over so he was now face down on the carpet and eased the cover off his back.  
  
There were more marks here, including the glistening words scored into his back. Lily was gentle though and removed a bottle from the pocket of her robes and began applying the contents to his back where the cuts were. It was cold and Harry could see goosepimples appearing around the cuts were she had applied the green gel.  
  
Harry heard Snape sniff and snivel into the carpet as Lily's fingers brushed up and down his back applying the gel to the rest of his bruises. Once she was done and it had been absorbed in to his skin Lily took out her wand and muttered something that Harry recognised as the counter jinx to petrifucus totalus. Snape sat up and wiped his nose with his hand and looked towards Lily with the most pained expression on his face and the he spoke in the smallest voice Harry had ever heard, "don't tell anyone."  
  
Lily reached over and hugged him. Harry could see Snape face pulled towards his mother's shoulder as she held him. Slowly Snape curled his arms round around Harry's mother. Harry saw Snapes face relax and saw the lanky boy close his eyes as he warmed into the embrace.  
  
"Thankyou," he said quietly. Lily's head jerked up where it had almost been lying on Snapes shoulder.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For not laughing."  
  
"Severus why would I laugh? What would make me laugh at you? What those boys did was a horrible terrible thing that should never have happened to anyone."  
  
"Well, I don't know," Snape replied softly. "People just laugh at me. Say that I'm weak and stuff. That I can't defend myself. That I need mud...er...muggle borns to help me.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Don't apologise Severus. You were talking about me though weren't you? When everyone saw you upside down last year. Well you don't have to worry, I wasn't defending you, I was attacking James."  
  
"I'm sorry for calling you names anyway."  
  
"That's OK. I forgive you," Harry saw his mother give Snape another squeeze and try and stand up. But Snape was still holding on to her. She pulled back and looked into his eyes and seemed to ask if she could get up and go. Snape seemed to be holding her back though, hypnotised by those green eyes that looked so searchingly into his own black ones. Lily had stopped moving it looked like Snape had stopped breathing, all he did was stare into the face of Harry's mum.  
  
Harry held his breath. The very air around him seemed to hum. Everything seemed to slow as Lily slowly bent her head towards the face of Snape. She wasn't about to...She couldn't be considering...She didn't...She wasn't she couldn't be thinking about kissing Snape?  
  
~  
  
a/n  
  
So does she or doesn't she? You'll have to wait till chapter two to find out what happens. Please read and review. 


	2. chapter 2

Lily's Pensive 2 ~  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
~  
  
They were so close. Lily's eyes fluttered closed but Snape's eyes were still open as his face inched towards her. There was a hairs breadth between them and Lily's breath tickled Snape's chin as she moved her head so close.  
  
Snape jerked back.  
  
His eyes were wide with shock and surprise. His hand immediately jumped to his hair and he ran his hand through those greasy locks as though embarassed at what had just almost happened. He let out a shaky sigh as though he had just had a scrape with death. Snape looked even paler than usual and Harry noticed that his hands were shaking. Snape scramble back from Lily who was still sitting in the same position, leaning towards Snape who was no longer there.  
  
"Y-Y-You had better, er, go now. I'll just get a, er, sh-shirt. Right," Snape muttered standing up on shaky legs. He disappeared into the next room which must have been the bathroom as Harry heard running water. Harry couldn't care less what Snape was doing as he stared at his mother's expression.  
  
Still on the floor, she looked like she had finally realised that Snape was no longer there. She sat back with a sad little expression on her face. Lily sighed too but it was a far more melancholy sigh than Snape's, rather that she had missed out on a treat rather than been saved from a horror.  
  
But she didn't mean to kiss him surely, thought Harry. Why would she want to? By all accounts Snape was a horrid slimy, no-good Slytherin who had once called his mother a mudblood. She must just be feeling pity for him. The idiot couldn't even defend himself. He was right to think that he shouldn't be kissing Lily in the Slytherin common room, or anywhere else for that matter. She was far too good for Snape, so way above his level that he couldn't...  
  
Snape reappeared in the room wearing a slightly crumpled, not exactly clean looking black shirt. His hands balled themselves into fists and he looked to be trying to build up the courage to talk to Lily again. Snape took several deep breaths and stepped more purposefully towards Lily.  
  
Harry's mother looked up from the floor and saw Snape standing over her with a curious mix of anger and fear written across his features. Was he angry that Lily had seen him at his most vulnerable, crying, that she had tried to kiss him, that she was still there?  
  
It never crossed Harry's mind that Snape would be angry for breaking up the almost-kiss.  
  
Lily stood up and followed Snape out of the Sixth year's boy's dorm and down the winding stair case back into the empty common room. Lily looked about her as if for the last time as they slowly moved toward the exit door. Snape lead the way determined not to look back. Before they reached the door Snape whirled around and gave his mother one of those murderous stares that Harry was so familiar with.  
  
"You will not mention anything that happened here this afternoon. You should go now as the Gryfindors will probably be looking for you now and it is only a matter of time before they think of looking here, and believe me they will. Just don't tell anyone what, er, happened." Harry gave a dry smile wondering how badly his father would have taunted Snape for almost- kissing the girl he fancied.  
  
"It's all right, I said you could trust me," replied Lily in a small sad little voice. "I mean, I should have known you wouldn't have, er, well, you know, with me."  
  
"I was actually talking about the marks on... well, er, but you were talking about..., but nothing happened..., just don't mention, they would think I...., I don't want anyone to..., er," Snape stuttered to an end.  
  
"Its all right Severus. I know the rules," she sighed sadly. Lily spoke on in a slow quiet voice, "your a Slytherin, I'm a Gryfindor. Your a pure blood I'm a mud...mumph."  
  
Harry's chin hit the floor. Snape, Severus Snape was kissing his mother. Snape had just lunged for his mothers mouth as she was about to utter that horrid and offensive word that was used to describe people with non-magical parents. Granted they were both teenagers at the time and Lily wasn't mother to anyone and Severus didn't teach but, ick. In fact from this angle it did look like he was trying to eat her rather than kiss her. His arms, however, remained tight by his side as Lily's roamed up his back as she leaned into the kiss.  
  
Harry watched horror struck as his mother, who at first had looked so surprised that her eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of her head slowly started taking more control of the kiss. She shut her eyes and began moving her head back and forth in rhythm with Snape's. Her hands circled round his back and began explore the ridges of his shoulder blades and back bone. She moved her right hand up to the nape of his neck and twirled the ends of Snape's hair around her long fingers.  
  
"Yerch," said Harry wrinkling his nose in disgust.  
  
Snape slowly began moving his hands towards the body of Lily Evens. He gently placed then no her hips as if she was some magnificent bird and he did not want to crush her or hold her too tight that she would try to fly away. Slowly he moved one of his hands to the small of her back, to just underneath that brilliant auburn hair, so the ends tickled his hand.  
  
Still they were kissing. It felt like they had been kissing for ages to Harry. Surely they would have to come up for air sooner or later. But they just stood there in the middle of the quiet common room the snow silently falling outside the window. Their heads moved together if their hearts beat to the same rhythm that they were dancing to. Lily's hand slowly but surely became more and more tangled in Snape's greasy locks and Snape became more sure of himself as he gripped Lily more tightly and pulled her towards him.  
  
Harry was sure it could not be comfortable to stand like that, trying to think of anything but Snapes tounge down his mothers throat. Lily was quite a bit smaller than Snape but as he was bending over her and she had her back arched back, her feet on tip-toes and her chest pressed towards Snape. It did look like Snape was still trying to devour her. Slowly though the kissing slowed down and they both started pulling away, still leaving little kisses on their swollen lips.  
  
At last the two faces were pulled apart. Harry could see straight into his mother face. She still had her eyes closed but was grinning in the most indecent way. Her hand still tangled in Snapes hair Lily bit her lip to suppress a giggle and leaned forward to kiss Snape again. But Snape jerked his head back and Harry could here his quickened breath.  
  
Harry moved around the couple to see Snape's expression and was shocked to see that it held nothing but fear. Lily's eyes opened and she looked questioningly at Snape. She tried to kiss him again but he moved his head back but however made no move to remove his hands. He turned his head away from the girl in his arms so she could make no more attempts on his lips.  
  
"Severus...I don't...," Lily began.  
  
Suddenly he pushed her away and turned from her. He ran his hand through his hair and screwed his eyes tight shut. What on earth could he be thinking, thought Harry. It looked like he had just killed someone. Done something that he could never forgive himself, Harry didn't understand at all. By the looks of things neither did Lily.  
  
"I don't understand Severus," she began, draping her hands over his shoulder. "I just want..."  
  
"Oh bugger," yelled Snape throwing her hands off, "why the hell did I have to kiss you?"  
  
~  
  
a/n  
  
Oh dear why is Snape so angry at such a good kiss, and he is a good kisser if anyone is wondering. Well if you want to know what happens next please read and review. Thank you to all who reviewed my last chapter! Squee! I get far too over excited when I get reviews! 


	3. chapter 3

Lily's Pensive 3 ~  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
a/n: sorry about the delay. I knew what I was going to write for this chapter but I just never got around to it. Thanks to all who reviewed.  
  
~  
  
"You were so close to the exit. All I had to do was let you walk out of the common room and out of my life, back into the arms of the Gryffindors." Snape had turned his back on Lily and was now talking as if to himself. "Two more seconds and she would have been out of your reach for good. But you could not control yourself for two seconds. Two miserable seconds. Oh this is bad, this is so bad."  
  
Snape kicked out at something invisible. Harry had a shrewd idea that Snape was trying to kick himself. He looked absolutely disgusted with himself, his face screwed up in anger, those tears threatening to take over again.  
  
"Severus, what the hell?" Lily said, making both Snape and Harry jump. "First you try to kiss me and then pull back and then you almost throw me out and then you kiss me and then you hate yourself for it. It wasn't bad, in fact it was good, very good."  
  
Snape turned and looked at Harry's mother as if she were someone who didn't understand that two and two made four. Again he ran his hand through his hair and bit his lip as if to decide how exactly to explain what had just happened. They stood like this for a while, Severus looking down at Lily, Lily with her hands on her hips.  
  
Snape turned away again. It was as if he couldn't speak clearly with those two green almonds shaped eyes boring into his own. "Listen you don't understand. It just can't happen. Not between us, there can be no us. That's why I didn't want to kiss you. Your a muggle born, a Gryffindor, you just do not understand the politics of the Slytherin house."  
  
Harry could see his mother was getting upset now. A frown line appeared between her eyebrows. Snape never saw the danger signs as his back was still turned and he continued.  
  
"That's why I had to get rid of you, from the common room you know. That idiot Potter and his gang would have been in here looking for you if you didn't turn up for dinner. They know where people in this school are, don't ask me how, they would have figured out where you were.  
  
"If they had caught us," Snape shivered at the very thought. "Well lets just say I would have to put up with a lot more than I already do. And they would have told the other Slytherins. They would have made a laughing stock out of me and shut me out of every house and made everyone in this school hate me."  
  
"Is that what your thinking? You only care what people would think about you! What about me?!" The ire was rising in Lily's voice and the frown had increased.  
  
"You don't understand," Snape said dropping his head and speaking in just above a whisper. "Everyone would have been on your side. They all would have thought that I, that I..." Snape's voice dropped so that Harry couldn't hear what everyone would have thought. Fortunately neither had Harry's mother and she insisted that Snape repeat what he had said. Snape fought against her voice but eventually he threw back his head and said in a loud voice. "They would have thought you were under a spell, that I had given you a poison. That I had forced you to, to..."  
  
Snape trailed off again. This time no one needed an explanation. Lily's frown softened and she reached over to Snape's back. "I would have told them it wasn't true. I would have told them that I was here by myself. That I wanted to kiss you." Her hand touched his back. It remained there for all of one second before Snape shrugged it off.  
  
Laughing in a cold cruel way Snape turned around. "Clearly Miss Evens you have never seen anyone under the imperious curse before."  
  
Lily put her hand to her mouth. "But that's an unforgivable, they wouldn't think you used that. That would send you to Azkaban. Surely no one would believe that you would use..."  
  
Lily broke off at the cold hard stare that Snape was now giving her. "Look at me Evens. I'm Severus Snape, the curse happy Slytherin who fights with everyone and who everyone hates. Do you think anyone would believe for five seconds that a girl would want to kiss me, let alone one of the most beautiful girls in sixth year who not only happens to be a Gryffindor but who Potter adores." Snape snorted for punctuation. "Really I think you must be suffering from something to actually want to be kissing me anyway, not with my greasy hair and my large nose and everyone calling me Snivellus and..."  
  
Lily leaned forward and softly touched her lips to his, to stem the flow of self-hatred from Snapes own  
  
"But you did kiss me." Lily said softly now. "What changed you mind?"  
  
"I couldn't not."  
  
Lily looked deep into his eyes, which were beginning to moisten again. He tried to look away. She pulled him into a hug. He tried to pull away. She tightened her grip. He tried breaking her grip. But not very hard. Harry had a suspicion that he could have left it at that if he had really wanted to.  
  
"But I knew," Snape continued not looking into Lily's eyes, "I knew that if I did. If I did kiss you. If I did let myself kiss you. I couldn't not kiss you again. I would want to kiss you again and again and never stop. That's why I had to get you out before I did. Because if I kissed you once I might have the courage to do it again.  
  
"But I don't. So I can't." Again Snape tried a halfhearted attempt to break free from Lily's hold. "I'm not like you Lily. I can't handle anything like this. I think it would be best if you just, I think you should just, just go. Just go." Snape shrugged his shoulders and could not look Lily in the eyes. "I'm sorry I kissed you."  
  
Lily dropped her arms and turned to leave. She walked slowly all the way to the door, almost as if she hoped that Snape would call her back. He didn't.  
  
At the exit she turned and spoke to Snape in a clear voice even though there was a single tear falling down her cheek.  
  
"I'm not."  
  
And then she was gone. 


End file.
